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Saturday 10/15 Jokes
Valley of the Sun Casual Club :: ENTERTAINMENT , SPORTS & NEWS & SOCIAL MEDIA :: DON"T CHOKE IT "JOKE IT "
Page 1 of 1
Saturday 10/15 Jokes
by JimQ916 Sat 15 Oct 2016, 9:28 am
Q: What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
A: The genealogist checks the family tree and the gynecologist checks the family bush
*********************************
A boy was going through his grandmother's wallet one night and found her ID card. "Grandma?" he asked,"How much do you weigh?" His grandmother replied, "That's not an appropriate question, Jimmy" He then asked, "How old are you?" She again replied, "That's not appropriate, Jimmy." Finally he asked, "Grandma, why did grandpa leave you?" Before she had time to answer, Jimmy looked at the card and said, "Oh I see, it's because you got an 'F' in sex."
******************************************
Two men are talking and one says to the other, “My wife’s doctor says she has menopause, and, man, has she been moody lately. How long do the symptoms of menopause usually last?” The other man replies, “Let me put it this way: menopause will be listed as the cause on your death certificate.”
*******************************************
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
*******************************************
Growing up, my parents never grounded me unless they were really really mad. I can remember the first time they caught me drinking under age. Mom freaked out and grounded me for a month, but I guess that was a reasonable response for a parent of a second grader.
*******************************************
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
*******************************************
Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
A: Its OK. He woke up.
********************************************
I'm tired of my grandma! Whenever someone's wedding comes up, she says, "Next is your turn." So I've decided when someone dies I'm going to say, "Next is your turn, grandma."
********************************************
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
********************************************
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!
********************************************
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
********************************************
Your Halloween costume came in the mail today. I opened it. It was a rooster mask and a bag of lollipops. Going as a c*ck sucker again!?
********************************************
Q: What happens when you stick your hand in a jar of jelly beans?
A: The black one steals your watch.
********************************************
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a wedding cake
*********************************************
Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Big hands.
********************************************
There were two cannibals who captured a man. They decided it would be fair if they started eating from opposite ends. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asked the other one, "How's it going down there?" And the other one replies, "I'm having a ball!"
********************************************
Yo momma so fat her favorite food is seconds.
********************************************
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
********************************************
Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A: They are both used as a meat substitute.
********************************************
Two old friends crossed paths after not seeing one another for almost a decade.
Utkarsh: "What are you doing these days?"
Sparsh: "PHD."
Utkarsh: "Wow! You're a doctor!"
Sparsh: "No, Pizza Home Delivery."
********************************************
A farmer is walking with a prospective buyer when they see a beautiful pig in the yard, except it has a wooden leg. The buyer asks, "Why the wooden leg?" The farmer replies, "That pig is so smart, I let it drive the kids to school."
"Great, but why the wooden leg?"
"The pig is so smart it has a degree in horticulture and philosophy."
"Amazing! But why the bloody wooden leg?"
"Well when you have a pig that smart you don't eat it all at once!"
********************************************
Most people want a perfect relationship; I just want a hamburger that looks like ones in commercials.
********************************************
Q: How do you get a blond on the roof?
A: You tell her the food is on the house.
********************************************
Q: Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?
A: They can't fit 8 quarts of water in that tiny little packet.
********************************************
The employees at Taco Bell recently started wearing gloves when preparing the food. Ever wonder if their intentions are to protect their hands from the food they're serving?
********************************************
Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with Kool-Aid and vinegar?
A: Because Kermit likes to eat sweet and sour pork.
********************************************
I worked at a local fast food joint. It cracked me up when a fat ass customer orders a quadruple stacked cheeseburger, with extra sauce, a ton of extras, extra large fries, and then orders a small diet coke....WTF???
A: The genealogist checks the family tree and the gynecologist checks the family bush
*********************************
A boy was going through his grandmother's wallet one night and found her ID card. "Grandma?" he asked,"How much do you weigh?" His grandmother replied, "That's not an appropriate question, Jimmy" He then asked, "How old are you?" She again replied, "That's not appropriate, Jimmy." Finally he asked, "Grandma, why did grandpa leave you?" Before she had time to answer, Jimmy looked at the card and said, "Oh I see, it's because you got an 'F' in sex."
******************************************
Two men are talking and one says to the other, “My wife’s doctor says she has menopause, and, man, has she been moody lately. How long do the symptoms of menopause usually last?” The other man replies, “Let me put it this way: menopause will be listed as the cause on your death certificate.”
*******************************************
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
*******************************************
Growing up, my parents never grounded me unless they were really really mad. I can remember the first time they caught me drinking under age. Mom freaked out and grounded me for a month, but I guess that was a reasonable response for a parent of a second grader.
*******************************************
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
*******************************************
Q: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
A: Its OK. He woke up.
********************************************
I'm tired of my grandma! Whenever someone's wedding comes up, she says, "Next is your turn." So I've decided when someone dies I'm going to say, "Next is your turn, grandma."
********************************************
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”
********************************************
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!
********************************************
A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"
********************************************
Your Halloween costume came in the mail today. I opened it. It was a rooster mask and a bag of lollipops. Going as a c*ck sucker again!?
********************************************
Q: What happens when you stick your hand in a jar of jelly beans?
A: The black one steals your watch.
********************************************
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a wedding cake
*********************************************
Q: If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have?
A: Big hands.
********************************************
There were two cannibals who captured a man. They decided it would be fair if they started eating from opposite ends. After a few minutes, the one who started at the head asked the other one, "How's it going down there?" And the other one replies, "I'm having a ball!"
********************************************
Yo momma so fat her favorite food is seconds.
********************************************
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
********************************************
Q: What do a dildo and soy beans have in common?
A: They are both used as a meat substitute.
********************************************
Two old friends crossed paths after not seeing one another for almost a decade.
Utkarsh: "What are you doing these days?"
Sparsh: "PHD."
Utkarsh: "Wow! You're a doctor!"
Sparsh: "No, Pizza Home Delivery."
********************************************
A farmer is walking with a prospective buyer when they see a beautiful pig in the yard, except it has a wooden leg. The buyer asks, "Why the wooden leg?" The farmer replies, "That pig is so smart, I let it drive the kids to school."
"Great, but why the wooden leg?"
"The pig is so smart it has a degree in horticulture and philosophy."
"Amazing! But why the bloody wooden leg?"
"Well when you have a pig that smart you don't eat it all at once!"
********************************************
Most people want a perfect relationship; I just want a hamburger that looks like ones in commercials.
********************************************
Q: How do you get a blond on the roof?
A: You tell her the food is on the house.
********************************************
Q: Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?
A: They can't fit 8 quarts of water in that tiny little packet.
********************************************
The employees at Taco Bell recently started wearing gloves when preparing the food. Ever wonder if their intentions are to protect their hands from the food they're serving?
********************************************
Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with Kool-Aid and vinegar?
A: Because Kermit likes to eat sweet and sour pork.
********************************************
I worked at a local fast food joint. It cracked me up when a fat ass customer orders a quadruple stacked cheeseburger, with extra sauce, a ton of extras, extra large fries, and then orders a small diet coke....WTF???
JimQ916- Posts : 379
Join date : 2014-12-31
Similar topics» Saturday 10/8 Jokes
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Valley of the Sun Casual Club :: ENTERTAINMENT , SPORTS & NEWS & SOCIAL MEDIA :: DON"T CHOKE IT "JOKE IT "
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