Insult Jokes 11/5

Hi everyone...here are a few "insult" jokes....PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.....enjoy:
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Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Poultry!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Pork!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!

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My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

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A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up. One kid stood up and the teacher was surprised. She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?” He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”

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Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point of the divorce."

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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 250 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

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A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?" The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

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A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humor!"

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I saw a young teenage kid on the subway today. He had a Mohawk hairstyle dyed yellow, green, and red. He caught me staring at him and in a nasty voice asked, "What the f*ck are you looking at?" I replied, "Sorry, but when I was about your age I got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son."

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Kid 1: "Hey, I bet you're still a virgin."
Kid 2: "Yeah, I was a virgin until last night ."
Kid 1: "No way."
Kid 2: "Yeah, just ask your sister."
Kid 1: "I don't have a sister."
Kid 2: "You will in about nine months."

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You know you're getting fat when you say you're fat in front of your friends and nobody corrects you.

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My friend told me he had the body of a Greek god. I had to explain to him that Buddha is not Greek.

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What's the difference between three penises and a joke? Your mamma can't take a joke.

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You have so many gaps in your teeth, it looks like your tongue is in jail.

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Your Halloween costume came in the mail today. I opened it. It was a rooster mask and a bag of lollipops. Going as a c*ck sucker again!?

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You are so ugly, the last time you got a piece of ass was when your hand slipped through the toilet paper.

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Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.

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God made rivers, God made lakes, God made you, Damn, how did he make that mistake.

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A man asks a woman, "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" The woman responds, "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

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A guy and girl had sex poem competition:
Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine."
Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I've saw the length of yours, but you'll never know the depth of mine."

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If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

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Q: How do you leave a jackass in suspense?
A: Don't know? I'll tell you tomorrow.

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A man siting at a bar asked a pretty woman sitting next to him, Excuse me, but can I smell your ***?" "Get away from me, you pervert," she replied. "Oh, I'm sorry," exclaims the man, "Damn...It must be your feet then"

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Q: Who is the poorest guy in the south?
A: The Tooth Fairy.

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A man and woman were having sex. After they were done, the man asks the woman, "Are you a nurse?" The woman answers, "Yes. How did you know?" The man replies, "Because you took care of me so well." Then the woman asks the man, "Are you an anesthesiologist?" He says proudly, "Yes. How do you know?" The woman answers, "Because I didn't feel a thing."

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PLEASE DON'T SHOOT THE MESSENGER....JIM