Sunday 6/18/17 Jokes

Hi everyone....Happy Fathers Day. Here are a few jokes for the day. I find all of them humorous, but I've got a warped sense of humor...go figure. A few of these are borderline "dirty" so if you're thin skinned and are offended easily, please don't read them. As always, please don't shoot me, I'm only the messenger!!!


Before reading these, check out this hilarious vid from Will Ferrel's archive...my sense of humor doesn't even come close to his....this reminds me of my landlord in days gone by:

Pearl the Landlord....A must see!!!!!
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A very drunk Alaskan decides to go ice fishing. He starts sawing a hole in the ice, but just then a booming voice says, "You will find no fish there."
The drunk ignores it and continues sawing. The voice repeats, "You will find no fish under the ice."
The drunk looks up and says, "God, is that you?"
The voice says, "No, I'm the manager of this ice rink."
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One room mate said to another,"Man, this morning I woke up with white crud around my mouth."
His room mate replied, "Oh, that's my fault -- I guess I missed."
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Confucius say, ''Baseball wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk."
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Q: If you had one cricket ball in one hand and another cricket ball in your other hand, what would you have?
A: A friggin' huge cricket.
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Two hunters were stalking through the forest when one said to the other that he has to take a dump. His friend replies, "Well, go in the bushes."
"What should I use to wipe my ass?" he asks.
"Use a dollar," his friend says.
A few minutes later, the hunter steps out of the bushes with s**t all over his hands.
"What happened?" asked his friend.
He replied, "I didn't have a dollar bill, so I used four quarters."
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Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear.
The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him.
The diver takes out a waterproof pad and pencil and writes, "How are you able to stay this deep without equipment?"
The guy takes the pencil and pad and writes, "I'm drowning, you moron!"
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Q: What do you call a dog that has balls of steel and is dragging them across cement?
A: Sparky.
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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.
"Well," said the Englishman. "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver."
"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman. "I'll eat the heart."
"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman. "But I seem to have lost my appetite."
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Two couples go on vacation together. After a week, they are thoroughly bored with their sex lives.
The men decide that maybe life will take on new meaning if they change partners. They all agree that it's worth giving it a shot.
The morning after the switch, one of the husbands says, ''I'm glad we tried this. It was exhilarating. Come on, let's go in the other room and see how the girls got on.''
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This guy was driving along a country road. Along the side of the road he sees a sign: "Apples, $5.00 each." So he pulls over to the side of the road and asks the farmer why his apples are so expensive. The farmer says, "Well, these are peanut butter and jelly apples." So the guy buys one. He says, "These apples only taste like jelly, where's the peanut butter?" The farmer says, "Turn the apple over and take a bit of the other side." Sure enough the other side tasted like peanut butter.
So he continues on his way and along the side of the road he sees another sign: "Apples, $20.00 each." So he gets out and asks the farmer why these apples are so expensive. "These are ham and cheese apples," the farmer says. So the guy buys one. The apple only tasted like ham, so he asked the farmer why and he said, "Turn the apple over and you will taste the cheese."
Then he is driving down the road again and he sees another sign: "Apples, $50.00 each." So he asks the farmer, "What's up with these apples being so expensive?" The farmer tells him they are pus*y apples. So the guy buys one. He takes a bite into the apple and says "This apple tastes like shyt!" And the farmer says, "Turn it over."
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Here's one for the ladies:
Q. What's the similarity between penises and fish?
A. You don't want the small ones, you keep the medium ones, and you mount the large ones.
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Did you hear the one about the good-looking teenage girl who went on a fishing trip with six old men?
She came home with a red snapper.
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Q: What do you call a professional fisherman?
A: A master baiter.
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Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he writes in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter.
"Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook.
"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy says.
"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child says.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,  "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet".
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Q: What's the difference between a Ford and a golf ball?
A: You can drive a golf ball 200 yards.